sometimes in life, there are things you ponder and things which make you feel human again. something now is making me feel that way...

have you ever wondered what would happen if your very first love was by your side right now? when everyone is against you, you don't care. the times when you stuttered cos you didnt know what to say. that was the time you treated girls are deities, not like teasing objects. you would think about her until you fall asleep, and you wake up with the same though in your head. the kind of fun, the kind of innocence, does it still exist?

are you so numb to the world you can't be a child? that your heart can't be pure and have nothing interfere with it? i have lost touch of myself for so long, over the past week, i have gradually felt my own presense. after you have lost your life, you truely know to cherish it.

there are such simple things in life that makes you ponder and feel. sometimes, it is wise to ignore your logic and just feel. feel the thrill, the peace, the wonder the youth.

feel human again.

it feels so good to be alive. to be feeling. when you lost a part of your heart, you feel immense pain and suffering. but when you lose the whole thing, you dont feel anything. you dont even know you lost it.
it has been about 2 years my friend, thanks for coming back.

now i'm beginning to understand why. why in the past i was so irrational, why i wanted to do so many things that were so crazy. why i changed so much. i realised that the hole has never been filled. when i lost a part of my heart, it eventually lead to losing the entire thing. when i finally opened up my eyes, i have lost something way more dear.

i still have not found someone like you. but i'm still searching. everytime i come so close, i get so disappointed. nothing fits that image, its like a jigsaw puzzle, and im hoping that you are not the only solution.

i have found my answers.

remember: secret.

if you have managed to read until this part and not understood anything, dont bother. im just penning down thoughts so some things will not get forgotten. for some sanity, you can continue reading this:

over the last 3 weeks or so, i noticed myself change. i have gained contact with myself. i know many people know me as cold and emotionless. very logical and very unfeeling. very goal but rarely process. i assure you, i didnt use to be like this. for the few who know me or heard my full story, you know the changes. you probably dont know the details, i never revealed to anyone. but it doesnt matter now, the answer i took 2 years to find is finally here. in that process i have changed so much. i seemed to have matured but actually became more childish. i seem to be more firm but actually more confused. i was looking at the wrong places for the answer. i never found it, not until now. when you are looking for something you can't find. maybe you can try your heart. and when you don't have one, you better go find it first.